Retreat in the Place Beyond Words

10 years ago this week, I participated on a Wilderness Retreat with a group from St. Teresa's, during my 3rd year at Valparaiso University.

I wrote the following reflection in an e-mail I sent to family and friends 10 years ago right after the retreat.  I share it here again, with a couple of minor edits.

We went to Shades State Park in Montgomery County, Indiana, near Crawfordsville, between Indianapolis and Terre Haute.  We set up camp in the campgrounds in the park, and stayed there from Friday night upon our dark-enshrouded arrival until Sunday early afternoon. 

The theme for the weekend was laid out as we gathered around a fire on Friday night.  John Dewyze, our main leader, told us that the Hebrew word for wilderness translates into English as "without words".  He espoused the idea that the wilderness is a place beyond words where we can experience authentic existence.  He connected this idea to what God told Moses at the burning bush--"I AM Who I AM", this idea that God exists beyond words.

So we came into a physical wilderness to ponder being in a spiritual wilderness where we could embrace more authentically our existence, and that of God.  We spent our time there hiking on the trails in the park, which led into deep ravines, along and through streambeds, along the Sugar Creek, and through tall-treed woodlands.  (In fact, the trees in the park are so tall that they create a canopy that constantly keeps the park in shade--hence the name.)

During our times hiking around, we would stop, and our two leaders, John and Kristen, would share experiences of being in spiritual wilderness.  John also shared passages of Scripture, and then invited us to reflect more fully on certain ideas pertaining to the wilderness: God calling us, temptations, and struggles, through the symbols of the traditional four elements: fire, water, earth, and sky.  We were given times after our leaders spoke to wander around in solitude in the scenic beauty of the park's landscape.

We also shared lots of time of fellowship, particularly over meals, especially those over our campfire: potatoes/carrots and s'mores.

At the end of the retreat, John talked about how as we encounter God in the wilderness, He gives us a new identity by giving us a new name, as the two are very connected in the Scriptures.  In that spirit, John and Kristen gave each of us a new name, emblazoned in decorations on a cloth, based on how they viewed who we are.

When I first heard of this retreat, I thought it sounded really neat, and when a date was set, I made a point to block out this weekend on my calendar so I could go.

After I signed up, I had one of those "what on earth am I getting myself into?" feelings.  It dawned on me that I haven't really ever gone camping before, and wondered if I could handle being out in such a setting.  I also wondered about the ever-present reality of having lots of classwork to do, and pondered if it would be better to just stay on campus to do all this work, like a "responsible student".

Yet, on Tuesday, after I finished doing some work, I started thinking about all the things I would have to be getting to over the next couple of weeks or so.  I felt myself getting sucked into a vacuum in which I started thinking more and more about the work I have to do, and I started thinking about it so much I felt horribly overwhelmed.

I got myself out of that, and knew that an opportunity like this retreat would be just the thing I would need at a time like this:  Something to just get away from schoolwork, refocus on what really counts in life, and then go back refreshed to tackling all the work ahead of me.

And being out camping wasn't really all that bad.  I ended up having a small-size tent all to myself, and I was comfortable and warm enough inside of it.  Walking around on the trails provided many scenic vistas, the opportunity to be in a place with simply the sounds of nature, and get some exercise.

Most of all, this retreat gave me spiritual refreshment.  I find myself in struggles from time to time.  And on Saturday night, while we were sharing our thoughts on our spiritual reflections during the day, I noticed that many people talked openly about internal struggles.  At first, it seemed kind of depressing, especially since it didn't seem like people had these struggles outwardly.  But when I thought about it, I realized that it would be worse not to acknowledge these struggles.  They're just a part of life.  What's of the utmost is being able to respond to these struggles in a way that refocuses me toward what really matters in life, especially in how I live out my relationship with God.

Having spent this time in the place beyond words, I have renewed focus in the important matters of life.  As I go back to my common life, and all the schoolwork that fills it, I recognize that the God who is in an existence beyond words pervades my existence, and He is there to empower me to live fully anew in a new identity in life, the Life He grants through the Risen Christ.

Upon my return, I washed myself, my clothes, and my linens, certainly for the purpose of the need for physical cleaning, but furthermore as a symbolic gesture in concordance with my new identity.  And then I went to St. Teresa's for 9 PM Mass to continue my celebration.  Father Kevin told us he had been at a church in Indianapolis earlier in the day, and the priest barely got a quarter of the people wet during the sprinkling rite, so he set out with the full intention to douse us gathered there at St. Teresa's.  And he did just that:  He made such a spectacle of the rite, causing so much giggling, that it almost distracted us from the sacredness of it.  In the Collect (opening prayer), there was language asking God to renew us in youthfulness in this season celebrating Christ's life.  I couldn't help but think of how appropriate the rite and the Collect were liturgically and in light of the retreat.  I was renewed in the spirit of baptism, and in the spirit of new life, feeling a sense of youth in my new identity.

With this, I go forth, knowing I have a lot before me to tackle, yet with excitement for the new possibilities in all this newness.

I rejoice!

Thanks be to God!